i've been writing stories since i was fully conscious of my narrative abilities. i'd say that was around my fifth birthday.
it's been a long time coming, but i've got my first book. it's taken me my entire life thus far because i'm a purist. i believe that i have to have my framework down first before i fill in the details because if i don't have my foundation, then what grounds my story?
this is important for me because i have always bled into reality, and every year the bleed increases. i think that in a few years there will be no difference and i don't know what that means. the only thing that i have any faith in is myself and my ability to frame a narrative structure. as long as i have the narrative framework, i have a point of reference and i know when and where i'm spilling over from fiction to fact to reality to myth to imagined to concrete - mine is a dizzying existence.
i often wonder, how would other people experience my life? is that just a redundant oxymoron? if someone was experiencing my life, wouldn't that mean they were me, or am i not my life? i think that's something that everyone has to decide alone. are you your life or are you something else?
i have no easy answer there, but i do have a book. it's a story about me writing and pulling the focus of attention through the different narrative voices/levels into the a certain place where all disbelief is suspended and you experience life like i do - fantasy - reality - it's all the same. it's a bold statement. i think i can pull it off.
i very rarely distinguish between reality and imagination anymore. i think the two are unnecessary distinctions. instead, i like to think of my area of influence versus that which is not my area of influence.
as i'm writing, i'm timing each chapter to a song. if you don't read the chapter with the song, you're not going to get the story.
this chapter is inspired by the darkest day of my life, and i do not think i shall ever see another like it. it was the first time in my life that i actually felt, "i am dead.' i heard this song january 4th, 2008 (or was it january 11th), and the words got me through the night to the next day. in all the world there was only one person that could share the experience and he did and it was like something that i never imagined. in my mind there are things that never fade and the choice is to hold them forever like a razor in your hands, or let them go and never see them again.
why hold on to a memory? because of the meaning and significance. these are sometimes, i think at the end of the day, the only thing that we have to offer. everything else is the medium. meaning is the color we apply to the canvas. significance is the taste we give to each moment.
this chapter is was and is inspired by my memories of january 2008, a certain someone, love, devotion, pain, death, and sorrow.
if you decide to read the chapter, please listen to the song while reading, otherwise, it's not complete.
if you do read it, i'd appreciate knowing where point at which you stopped reading. did you stop before the song ended? if so, where? or did you stop after the song ended.
my snoops are all fucked up so feel free to email me at dkkauwe@gmail.com.
i'm also going to keep a blog, not entirely sure why, but i've never had a blog because i've never felt particularly focused or passionate in any one cohesive voice - but this book is all about my principal narrative voice so it seems like a good place to begin. plus i need to get my ass in gear and just finish this because every day that i procrastinate is another day of insanity.
==No One. As I Am. Alicia Keys==
Rain. It should be easier. I say to Ben.
Mud. “Stay close to me.”
I’ll be fine. Puddles.
Rain drops in the puddles. “Just stay next to me. Please. Stop wandering off, I hate having to extract you.”
Wow. That’s more words than I have ever heard you say - in any one breath. Ground soft, feet sloshing.
He looks at me coyly and sneers a smile softly, “I speak my mind. Sometimes.” So it is just like you said it would be.
Yeah, and I can always read you. I love you.
“I know, stay close.” He grabs my arm and pulls me across the field. “I love you too.” There are dead bodies everywhere - eviscerated into gory pieces.
Wow, those things are really vicious.
“Yeah. Hook your hand on my belt loop”
Sure.
“I need to steady the rifle.” He brings the weapon level with his line of sight and peers through the sheets of water. “There’s movement ahead. I’m going to start shooting as we run. Don't stop running and don’t let go of me.”
Got it. I can hear music in my head. Timed to the rain. The rhythm of our feet splashing through the puddles and then the percussions of weapons fire. There are scenes in my mind that I never forget and I will never forget the memory of Ben jumping over the mangled corpses, his rifle firing into the rain and I’m right behind, smiling like an idiot.
He is the best, like nobody’s business. He hits each target perfectly, each time, precisely, efficiently, and just the right way. Right in the head. Dead center. Boom. Boom. Boom. Crescendo. We’re moving so fast that I barely have time to register and then we’re running right into the midst of the things. His aim clears the path before us. He moves forward exact and resolute. It’s weird. I think to myself. The bodies are falling as we run past them. Their exoskeletons are black and the insides are bright blue. How many are there?
“A lot.”
Do you have enough charge?
“Yeah”
He doesn’t look back at me, he just keeps firing the rifle. The steady spray of superheated matter illuminates flashes. His uniform is still neat and unwrinkled. My clothes are a mess and spattered in mud. Is this a bad time to tell you that you’re really hot, especially when you’re a sexy, gore spattered, god of war?
“Look who’s talking.” No pause in the hail. Burning projectiles.
“Can you freeze them?”
Keep shooting for a few more minutes. I need to find the energetic signatures.
“Ok,” our run continues. It takes me a few moments to find the common denominator - I detonate an empathic burst and paralyze the minds around us.
Suddenly the only motion is Ben and myself and then we both stop and gasp in air. Ben looks at me, “I’m glad that you were here.”
Me too.
“Are they all frozen?”
At the moment. We need to move far away from here; the lock down will last for about ten minutes or so.
“Ok.” Ben pulls out his nav. “Let’s go this way.”
We head off into the night weaving our way through a sea of black shiny carapaces. We must make a sight in the darkness, our biofields bright light all around us and our footsteps heavy our breath drawn and we are panting and loving every moment of it. Running. Rain. Free.
What brought us here, I don’t honestly remember and I don’t even care anymore. It was some stupid government issue research project - the usual bullshit and of course we’ve got some Alien action going on.
I’m glad I found you. Ben looks back at me. I don’t know what I would have done for so long. Stuck on this god forsaken planet.
Pause breath. Chest heaves. He says. I love you so much.
Yeah, I know.
Breath is pouring out in clouds of vapor.
I’m still adjusting to a strong bond like this, I never felt so connected to anyone.
Mud splatters on my face.
You get used to it. We could be on other sides of the universe, and we’d still know what’s going on with the other.
What happens when we die?
Through the curtains of rain.
Not much. Either of us can resurrect the other. It’s any easy. You just access the universal power core.
I heard people get burned.
Jump.
No. That only happens if you pull too much power In fact, let’s do it right now!
Okay. He looks scared.
Don’t be. It’s not bad. I hold his hand and open.
Time
Space
Everything in my mind
I connect to the universal power core and feel the sudden rush.
Extensions bind across between and there we are wrapped in light.
Okay reach out – use your hand if it helps you but really, you’re just extending your will to tap the core. As soon as you have a conduit, start pulling, but don’t pull a lot.
My left arm is really tingling. This feels funny.
For the time being don’t attempt anything other than resurrections.
The downpour drenches us.
There’s other stuff?
Yeah, of course, but let’s save that for another day. Most of the other stuff is things like planar shift resets or reverse probabilistic modifiers. Basically, things to change reality. It’s all tricky to do properly. I’ll show you one day.
Lull in the rain.
I’m going to stick with my gun.
Splash.
“You do that,” I say and punch him in the arm.
Ow. That hurt.
Rain drops.
It’s still hard for you to use the bond and do other things?
Puddle jump.
Yeah. I can’t focus on several things like you. He looks soft in the rain, brown or are they hazel eyes? The color always changes. He can eradicate armies, but he still falls for me. I think sometimes that it’s vulnerability – that’s what makes intimacy. Wide open – and you know you’re okay.
Mud hole.
It gets easier, trust me it does. Especially now that we’re together. It’ll be a lot easier. Trust. I promise. We can always bring each other back from beyond the brink – nothing can ever separate us.
He turns in the rain and starts running. I follow and keep stride. We turn to face each other slightly and our lips touch easily in time. Rhythm body rhyme. Perfect love.
Rain covers our tracks and deadens sound.
For those moments before we reach home base, we both know everything the other knows and we are right where we want to be in the dark, in the rain, in the middle of a war zone on some planet in the no where galaxy.
Eternal love. Only took a couple million years. Not too bad. Suppose? Always and forever. I want to savor this moment for ever. To feel this cold wet water on my face and see your face next to mine. In the dead of night. You and Me. Me and You. We can always make the midnight run anywhere. This side or other side or under side or whatever side. We can find each other anywhere and we will never be apart. Always and forever. Side by side. I don’t want to arrive. Just hold your hand and run forever. Into the night into the dark never ending. Don’t let tomorrow catch us. We can make it. Anytime.
